Saturday, October 26, 2013

Best Day Ever

From Dingo’s blog archive September 25, 2013

Keith and I wanted to get married back in 2011. A few days after New York legalized same sex marriage Keith had asked for my hand in marriage and we were planning for an autumn wedding in New York. The autumn months came and went without a wedding. And well into 2012, still no wedding date had been firmed up. The problem both of us were facing was what might be the best “dog friendly” urban area that Thor could also enjoy. We had briefly discussed leaving Thor at home letting our housemate watch him or boarding but Thor is our child and we didn’t like the thought of Thor having to stay behind.

Then when we read Maryland was putting same sex marriage on their ballot for voters in the November 2012 elections we stalled in our planning. Maryland’s new law was passed, Keith and I had yet another state to consider.

So finally, after looking closely at different cities and towns in New York and Maryland, we found a small quaint looking town in Maryland where we shall be married and that also has some cool places Thor will enjoy. The Best Day Ever happens on October 17, 2013.

The drive from Atlanta Georgia up to Hagerstown Maryland, traveling through the Blue Ridge, Smoky and Appalachian mountains was awesome. The autumn colors of the leaves on the trees were beautiful and the weather was great. Keith and I were married in a civil ceremony at the courthouse, our marriage officiant was the Deputy Clerk of the Circuit Court who asked if we wanted to solemnize our vows as husband and husband, spouse and spouse or partner and partner. Keith and I chose to take our vows and be married as husband and husband. This was a very powerful experience for both of us, one that we will always hold close to our hearts.

Keith and I liked Hagerstown. The downtown area is undergoing a revitalization, there are a lot of old gingerbread style buildings being renovated. We also liked some of the smaller towns outside of that city. The people we met were really nice. When they asked what brought us up there we told them marriage and all the responses were very positive. And Thor got lots of compliments about his looks. The section of Motel 6 we stayed in was for people with animals and it stayed full, lots of dogs being walked. Thor loved that and the parks we took him to.

Thor is not use to travelling long distances. He barked a lot from the back seat during the first 6 hours or so on the road, giving us a few minutes of silence every so often before finally settling down then it was sporadic the rest of the way up. We had to board Thor for a couple of hours when we went to the courthouse to apply for the license and for the ceremony two days later. On the way back Thor was much calmer, sleeping most of the route.

One of the funniest things we learned about Hagerstown came from one of the clerks at the courthouse who told us that Hagerstown made it on the Total Beauty list of places with the ugliest men, coming in at #2 on the list of 8 U.S. cities with the ugliest men. Total Beauty, billing itself as the web site trusted by more than 12 million women, judges men not only on their looks, but also considered things like physical fitness and education. Here's what Total Beauty has to say that put Hagerstown at #2 of its list of the cities with the ugliest men: "Less than 10 percent of the men in Hub City hold a bachelor's degree. They're not spending their spare time in gyms, either; nearly 30 percent don't exercise regularly, 30 percent are obese, and an off-the-charts number of Hagerstownians smoke, compared to the rest of the country."


Woohoo! We met and.... Wow!

It all started April 3, 2008. That was the day I met Dingo. Not without some slight of hand, I might add. We had communicated through POZQUEERS private email several times over the weeks since I had joined on March 18. I had written a couple of blogs that caught his attention. I will share a couple of communications we had long before the meeting…(I kept copies of the early emails)

“It was a couple of weeks ago today that I stumbled across and was amazed by how much one man had shared of himself and his life in one place. I took the chance to email a comment to let you know how much I appreciated the time and effort that man had put into sharing of himself. You invited me to this website. At a time when I was just beginning to live again, this website has helped me find out even more about myself. I find that for one who has always been quiet unless he needed to be vocal and one who rarely shares anything about himself, a voice has emerged. Your encouragement has helped me find a voice and express myself in ways I never thought I could. It is not that I thought I could not, as much as it was that I lacked the confidence to do so. It does not matter that few, if any, listen. What matters is that I have emerged from a shroud of darkness that enveloped my soul. I know you do not accept accolades well, so I will not give you any. But I will try to convey my thoughts another way.

I do not have to give you courage to face your troubles. You are amazingly well in spite of several maladies, any one of which might put another man asunder. Your spirit has touched my soul, and I know the state of mind of any man has a connection with the immunity of the body. All any of us has to do is look around, and we see the fruition of faith and spirit generated by a once small seed planted by the dingoman in this website. So if something happens and I never meet this man, I want him to know that

I would like to run my fingers across the wrinkles in his face and from each one learn the experience that brought him to this place in his life. I would like to make him forget, for one moment in time, the troubles he must face daily. It matters not what maladies this man has or the challenges he may face, that he has me as a friend that he can rely on if he should need it. I know from others here that this man is loved, and I know from the man himself that he can be lonely at times. And I know that this man comes into friendships and relationships on his own terms. If the terms were to ever permit it, that I would be honored to be given a chance. And chance is really all there is. If there were a connection, this man would learn that I can follow if the man has a need to lead, can lead if the man has a need to be led, can walk beside when there is a need to share, and can be strong when the man needs support. If I should never hear from this man, he has already touched my soul and improved my existence, for which I am grateful.”

Yes, I think I got him with that one, and the flowers I had shown on my personal page. But was he ever resistant…(from one of his emails)

“Thursday is the 3rd and THAT is the day I go shopping with Clay for groceries so lets plan on next week sometime. The weather should be better too. I am fighting allergies which is why I have been sluggish these past few days.”

I had suggested we meet in a previous email, first on Tuesday, the 1st, which he put off till Thursday, the 3rd. And from the above, he was trying to delay the meeting again, from the day that he had picked. Although he did not completely rule out the meeting when I pushed back. But when the 3rd arrived and I had not heard from Jim, I took matters in my own hands. I drove to Dawsonville after shooting him an email that I was on my way. I did not even have a phone number.

That was one cold day in the mountains, that I have written about before on this site in a blog. And I have no regrets that I made that bold move to meet this man. He is still an inspiration to me. He stood tall when my dog Little One died to get me through that, and he relented when I pushed to get another dog, Thor. He stood tall and convinced me that Thor was THE dog, in spite of having heart worms and impending treatments that could kill him. AND DO WE LOVE THOR!

There is no value to our attachment to each other. One can not place a value on love. It is something that you feel, and do your best to make another feel. One does not have control over it, even though we may try. It penetrates thoroughly. Once given, you can’t take it back. One can only tarnish it by an inappropriate action. And if it is real, it never dies. I love you Jim.

Oh, and I am still trying to trace all those wrinkles…uh, crevices…in that face of yours. And I am glad I took the chance.




Keysman posted Apr 04, 2009:

thanks for all the comments, guys. I guess Jim has enough character to fill the grand canyon! LOL. The flowers are carolina jasmine. It grew on the guard rails for the steps out back, until Jim over-pruned it. It is dead now. It is a good thing he has character, it makes up for the lack of a green thumb. LOL!

scootertramp posted Apr 04, 2009:

Fill in crevices with putty. Easier to trace. Congrats to you guys. Fantastic you guys are together!

BlkDawg posted Apr 04, 2009:

Oh, by the way Keith, those are 'character lines', not least in men. (smile).

BlkDawg posted Apr 04, 2009:

I've always felt that the people we meet as we travel through life were mean't to be, whether good or bad, there is something in the encounter we will take with us. It could be for a second, it could be for a few years, it could be for a lifetime. The paths set in our past were on an intersect. With Jim and Keith, this is a union that is the culmination of those decisions and events that led to the beautiful life they are building together. It is something those of us with the capacity to care for and love seek each day. May you gentlemen create more found memories, more stories together and more love. Denn

Dingo replied Apr 03, 2009:

I was still dazed from a recent "gotta check a man out" journey I had made to Arkansas, dubbed as "The Snapping Greta Trip," prior to Keith joining this site last year. The guy in Arkansas, whom I met on another social network, courted me with lots of "sweet" emails, phone calls, and music uploads prior to my decision to meet him. That journey wound up costing me some extra bucks but I took it all as another lesson in Life. Greta was not his real name, it was an alter ego the guy had used for many years, Greta's "self proclaimed pride" forte was being able to making snapping noises with his butthole and to manipulate his butt muscles like a vice grip! Greta had a few other tricks, honed skills and character traits that I quickly picked up on. As it turned out, Greta was just another one of those Internet players and perpetual "looking for Mr Perfect," who really wanted nothing more than to just have a roll in the hay and to keep on looking. I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt since I strongly believe people for the most part are honest and genuine.

Keith's first private emails kinda caught my interest. I say "kinda" because he had already submitted nude shots that were awaiting my approval into the POZQUEERS Yahoo group. The photos did not move me one way or another. I also wondered if he had overlooked the terms concerning adult photos in Yahoo. I also had read a blog he had posted concerning watermelons and quiet little farts, contrasting my thoughts a bit more after seeing flowers on his homepage. The hook was within his next blog, The Power of One, "one chance may be all we get."

I allowed my Higher Power to take control and guide my spirit the day I met Keith, as I always have done.

When I finally came down to his house, I met "Little One." I had already been warned that "Little One" might bite me, he had bitten Keith's mother! Of course that did not bother me since I have worked extensively with feral cats and problem dogs over the years, it wouldn't be the first time I've been bitten by a dog. I told Keith that when a dog bites me I bite back, or pop them between the eyes with my finger, and they never bite me again. "Little One" and I hit it off great when we met, no growls no bites and he loved the Grateful Dead music I had brought down.

Keith showed me around his house except for a room with a closed door. Said the room was a mess, he would show me later. I knew better than that but went along with it just the same. After all, what mattered to me was us getting to know each other. Days later he finally revealed what was in that room. He was somewhat nervous about it since he didn't want to scare me away. Nothing really scares me. In fact, there are things about my Life and past events that are scary.

Today I am here with a man who continues to sweep me off my feet, smiling and feeling great. Loving me unconditionally, accepting me for WHO I am, allowing me to continue my growth and passages onto many paths, unharnessed.

I liked Keith the first day I met him, still like him, and began loving him several months ago. And although I am still in love with two former partners, (a man and a woman), I am beginning to fall in love with Keith.

While some people have various thoughts, beliefs, make judgments or impose their morals concerning Love, mine are very primal & simple รข€“ when Spirit and Soul are harnessed & conditioned by man's thinking, Love does not flow freely. My Faith and Higher Power manifests my Spirit & Soul. Love has penetrated and encircled my world and those around me. Real Love never dies. And THOR? Another free Spirit whose Love flows endlessly!

Immature love says: “I love you because I need you”. Mature love says “I need you because I love you”. (Erich Fromm) Dingo love says: “I love you because I love you.” Rita Rudner once said, “It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” To which Michael Leunig replied, “Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.” And the Dingo echoes them all with a shout, “ Amen to that! Happy Anniversary Keith!”

April 19, 2008 IT'S A MAN THING!!! by Keysman
A couple of days ago something (which remains between the two of us) set my man off on a tirade and no matter what I said pushed him even further into this mood. Now if you have known this man for awhile, you are probably going to tell me, Keith, you ain't seen nothin' yet! I already know that. During this "event" a couple of small aside things happened that just fueled his fire. Every time I tried to talk, what I got back was, "Baby, it's a man thing!" Just for a moment, put yourself in my position listening to this Man Thing tirade, as if for some reason I could not identify with something that was a "man thing". Now fortunately for Dingo, I am a man of great patience - which I consider a man thing too - because I kept my mouth shut when what I really wanted to do was take him upstairs and bind him to the cross and show him what a Man Thing really is!!! But I didn't. Instead, through listening, touching, and caressing when he became receptive to it, he calmed down and let the man thing slide (I know it is still there, though).

But this man thing has me thinking about this concept. It is sort of like trying to classify ourselves as queer or gay. Now we are all men here, so we should know what a man thing is when we see it, right? But when I first came to the site and I had to pick whether I was bi, queer, or gay for my profile, I could really only eliminate one. I have had sex with women, but I was always thinking about men when I did it. And now I have no desire for that, so I am definitely not het or bi. But I selected gay, because I was thinking more of a sexual definition. But later I changed it to queer, because I really do not participate in things that are normally associated with gay culture to any great extent. So there is some sort of continuum that we fall into somewhere on the gay culture line, and the hetero and homo sexual line, where we identify ourselves.

So back to this man thing. I suppose there is some continuum we all fall into here as well. Ok, so when my man tells me he does not identify with Martha Stewart, why is it when I asked him to get into the shower with me when I was getting ready for work, he said "No, baby I have got to make the bed and do the dishes before we leave"? and proceeds to do just that. Now I could have gone all man thing on him, but I didn't. I just got in the shower and started playing with my man thing. A few minutes later, the shower curtain slides open and he steps in. Now that's a Man Thing, Baby!

Ok, so after the shower, I go into the bedroom and look at one result from his brief interlude into Martha's world. Although the covers were pulled up over the bed, it looked like there were at least a dozen little dingo's underneath. I could have said. like Martha, It's a good thing! But no baby that was definitely A MAN THING!!!I love you. baby!

April 25, 2008 IT'S A DINGO THING! by Keith
Just when I was getting used to "It's a man thing, baby!" now I get to hear "It's a Dingo thing!". Now, mind you, I am no longer trying to figure this man out, but in order to follow conversations and ideas, I am forced to learn Dingo-speak. Now Dingo thing's happen when man thing's don't even explain it. The best way to describe it is Dingo is having a blond moment.

Now the first Dingo thing came out yesterday, my day off from work. Now my days off are play days where we have a lot of fun, and well, do a lot of...lovin'. Now this is where I wish I had the camera going, but well, we were kind of, busy. I guess it is well known that Dingo is exploring a sexual side of himself that during his adult years he has experienced rarely (if it wasn't well known, it is now). Before this happened, we had taken a break, and Jim wanted some coffee. So while he is smoking with the Little One on the porch, I am in the kitchen making the coffee. When he comes back in, we get a little frisky, and we go back upstairs.

I am on my back, and well Dingo a place where I can look up at him and at the same time enjoy some damn good sensations. At this point, Dingo was still not comfortable enough just to let go, and well, was in control. I am really, really, really, really, really getting into it, and all of a sudden Dingo jumps off and say's "Let's go get some coffee." In my mind, all I could think was "you have got to be fucking kidding me" and what I actually said was "DINGO! YOU AIN'T RIGHT!!!" at least three times. But Dingo, having one of his Dingo-thing moments, says "What do you mean"? I am certain, that if this had happened in reverse, what would have happened next would allow me to build a borderline case for rape. But to him, it is a Dingo-thing. To me, it was MAN THING all the way.

I had to take a pill. You know, one of those get it hard and stay hard pills. Time for me to take control of this Dingo moment. I took the pill with some damn good coffee. It should have been. I had paid a high price for that cup of coffee, and we ain't talking $18 a pound, Greta. We went back upstairs and had some sling moments, and some in the bed moments, and I got my Man Thing moments enough that Dingo will remember them today. and tomorrow. and the next day. until I see him again.

Last night in bed we had to talk about these Dingo-things. I guess I will know them when I see them now. But Dingo, you still ain't right! But I still love you!

Dingo replied Apr 25, 2008:
"I Love You" - three little words that have a powerful positive effect in our lives. Upon hearing those three words there are some who will savor and lap those words up like a kid licking several lollipos at once. Friday morning nothing unusual as I slowly awaken from a content slumber in bed while the Other One goes about his usual ritual of getting ready for work. Nothing unusual in hearing those three words except this morning there was a certain little nervous tone attached to "I love you" when it came out of His lips followed by "I hope that I wasn't too personal in the blog I posted this morning." So what was intended to remain a content slumber changed to a "I need to wake up now and start my day and gotta see what he posted!" "I love you" - sometimes when those words are said its always followed by some sort of uncertainity of one's actions when it's said THAT WAY. Years of personal experience from hearing those three words coming out like that from former partners, male & female, have helped me hone my own skills in that area. These days I will go to great lengths to cover up little uncertainties such as this, setting up my partner with a nice dinner, writing something extra personal and special or greater lengths of setting up a romantic scene that will lead to extended lovemaking KNOWING that after doing all that any uncertainties of my actions will be over shadowed by something more positively powerful. THAT'S A DINGO THING! --- I use to tell my former partners after extended sexual lovemaking that being a Top was a lot of work and we, as Tops, have to extend a lot of energy and constantly be creative during our lovemaking with our partners. We, as Tops, have to work our bodies while working our minds and having to constantly be aware of what we are doing to them - its like riding a motorcycle. You constantly have to work your body and mind while enjoying the ride. THAT'S A MAN THING! My bottoms use to be quick to tell me "You have no idea how much work and what we go through to please YOU." Since I could not relate I would always say "THAT'S A BOTTOM THING." --- So I tell the Other One that he has had the opportunity of having 30some years of enjoying the "bottom side" and now its my turn to explore and enjoy that and that he has to make up for those 30some years of my NOT having that opportunity to explore and discover by taking me there. Oh I pulled "his 30 years" out of my own hat so I could rationalize all this. He told me that was "my issue" - I quickly told him it was "our issue." That's a dingo thing! It's certainly not his fault that I spent 30some years being a top and because of my conditioned learned behaviours it took me 30 years to finally admit that I wanted one up my butt. "That's a man thing! --- OUR THING yesterday was awesome and I just couldn't seem to get enough of having him inside me, after spending the past three weeks of allowing myself to let him "take me there." There I was enjoyng all this and the smell of freshly brewed coffee found its way up stairs into the bedroom while we were in a blissful passionate state of loving each other. I'm caught between experiencing a newly discovered pleasure while riding my living warm blooded motorcycle, meshing with my man and wanting to not wear out the gears I say "Let's go have some coffee" - his response was "You ain't right Dingo!" I really didn't understand where he was coming from but last night when he pointed out to me "If that had been you in that position Dingo there would have been no coffee! You would not have allowed that to happen!" Now THAT'S A MAN THING! A man thing coming from the other one as I do "a dingo thing." Yes, the Other One was right on the nose about THAT. I would have showed no mercy, there would have been no coffee and rape would take on a whole new meaning. We all have our "its a man thing" ways and they varying. The Other One's "man thing" expressed his love differently than how mine would. No greater, no less. We both love each other and know that we have to continue to nourish that love, watering those seeds, giving those seeds warmth from our sunshine within us so those seeds will grow into something even more beautiful. --- "Its a man thing, its a dingo thing, and the its a keith thing" will certainly sprout up too next to that flower or tree we are cultivating - weeds do sprout up along side as well but these too are unique and flower and have their own beauty as they become the "dingo and keysman thing." We may have to prune and pull those weeds out every now and then and they'll always sprout back up. But there's beauty in them as well and those weeds feed off other plants just as we'll feed off each other. That's a "dingo and keysman thing." And this comment to the Other One's blog from our account is a dingo thing! --- OK Laura and Geena Bush are guest hosting a TV show that just came onto a national network - I gotta go make TWO HOODOO DOLLS, wash the dishes, figure out how to make up a bed right so I can impress the Other One and prove you don't have to watch Martha Stewart to learn how to make up the perfect bed, hiss at Laura & Geena, get some work more things done here on pozqueers, take a shower so I don't smell like I been worked over in a bordello from yesterday - actually I'll skip the shower so he gets turned on to "the man smell" when he walks through that door from work later today....OH YEAH, now I am beginning to realize how much energy bottoms have to exert but I would never admit that to my ex wives or former male partners! That's a man thing!

May 8, 2008 The Dingo Moment...dodging a bullet by Keysman
A Dingo moment...a new experience for me. It all happened last night after a trip to the Atlanta Bread Company for a sugar fix. Maybe I should call it a brownie or cheesecake moment. Now I know Jim cannot process carbohydrates and sugars like most of us, but he suggested we go for coffee and ice cream, so it would be impossible to tell him no because, well, Jim is going to do what Jim wants to do regardless of the consequences sometimes. And in moderation, these things don't hurt him. We had a great time...while we were there.

But we came home and Jim had to check his handiwork on the site today. If you hadn't noticed, he changed the home page so it fits in everyones browser so you can see all of it from left to right without scrolling. It took him all day while I was at work. He did break to fix a nice dinner-hmmm baby-who knew he could cook. That french maid outfit is gonna look pretty good on him!

Back to the computer. When I was looking at the site on my laptop, some of the elements he had worked so hard on were not working. I use Firefox as a browser, because I think Microsoft is the root of all evil. Now Dingo, being Dingo, has to fix this issue right now. Sometimes the man gets fixated on one thing and will not let it go. Just to see the site the way he designed it, I actually updated my internet explorer, which I never use. Of course, Jim keeps telling me Firefox f***ks up Explorer, so it will not work. Now being a Gemini, a very stubborn, opinionated, never likes to be wrong multiple personality kind of sometimes gay, sometimes queer, and always homosexual kind of guy, refused to admit he was right. Fireworks on the horizon you say? You might be right.

I wanted to use my laptop to look at the site in Explorer, and Dingo kept telling me to change over to Firefox and looking at it so he could figure out why it did not work right there. So I kept switching to Explorer and he kept making me switch back to Firefox. We were at odds over something that did not make a hill of beans worth of difference...and yet eventually I could no longer accept the circumstances. It was a control thing. So I proceeded to annhilate Dingo verbally, in a Julia Sugarbaker kind of way, telling him that he was not letting me do what I wanted to do. But from his perspective, he was helping me fix my Firefox, which, is a good thing.

I get to experience...the Dingo moment. Or moments, I should say. Aghast, he mutters I am sorry, and storms out of the room to smoke. I knew I had upset the applecart...but I thought the smoke would clear the air. No, no no no no no no. The air became thick and heavy. Dingo scurried through the room like a mouse dodging a bullet to get to some cheese, and up the stairs he went to the bedroom. It was clear he did not want company. And I did not want to give him any, company, that is. I watched an episode of CSI New York and part of the news before going upstairs. It was a pride thing.

So thinking things would be better when I went upstairs, I went up and got into bed next to him. He pretended I was not there. And I pretended I did not notice the lump on the other side of the bed. The air was hot and heavy. And oppressive. I finally relented and touched him and asked if everything was ok. He said things were fine - in an angry tone. Two morons at work. He said I could touch him, he would not bite. I said, "Why don't you touch me first?" Two prideful morons at work. Of course, I relented and reached over to hug him, and he started joking to lighten the atmosphere. I did not take it that way. I got up and went back downstairs. One moron still at work.

A few minutes later, Jim, the artful dodging mouse, scurries back into the room and tries to explain his bungled attempt to make things better. This was the Dingo moment. There are Man Things, and Dingo Things, but when Dingo has to figure something out, it is a Dingo moment. Dingo moments can feel like short eternities. He is sitting there all humble trying to explain how he was trying to help me. And I was telling him how he was controlling what I was doing. This was going nowhere fast. Dingo scurries back upstairs with his moment in tow. And I am steadfast on the couch. I go to sleep.

Later, I do not know how much later, Dingo is banging away at his keyboard at the desk behind the couch where I was sleeping. I mutter a few words, hoping things were better. After no response, I go upstairs to bed. Dingo never comes up. At daylight, Little One, my mastiff-chow mix comes to get me for his walk. When I come downstairs, Dingo is on the couch. I walk the dog. When I get back inside the couch is empty, and I am fixing myself some all important COFFEE. And I hear Dingo, like a mouse dodging a bullet, going by to go up the stairs. I say hello. He responds, and speeds up. Things are going so well. Jim takes a shower.

He finally comes downstairs, sits down at his computer to see what activity has happened on the site, and eventually sits down beside me on the couch. We talk. He explains his behaviour, which I equate to a Dingo moment, and I attempt to explain my behaviour, which I try to pass off as a Gemini thing. Protective mechanisms have now achieved names. We both know now how a simple misunderstanding that really is not worth two cents can keep us apart. Fortunately, we both know there is love here, and we let it go. This morning, we fell right back to where we left off before the moment. Things are good. And we have agreed to never go to bed angry, or sleep apart while we are in the same house, and never ever leave the house or go to bed without saying I love you.

Oh for sure, there will be more Dingo moments and Gemini things. We have each lived 54 years of very different lives, with different experiences which have made us unique in our own ways. And from that, there is an eternity of learning and loving left for us to explore!

July 19, 2008 Nuts and Berries.. Lessons on life with Dingo
There are many things I have learned these past 4 months from being around Jim and sharing a friendship and love with him. I know that very few people know who any of us really are, and I do not for a moment pretend that I know all there is to know about the man called Dingo. If I use myself as a measure, then he is easy to get to know, since over the years I have kept to myself and shared very little with the rest of the world. I can be very hard to get to know, in a bar often told I was unapproachable. I guess once you touch a hot burner on a stove, you learn not to do that. So you start slapping on protective gear, a sort of armor that is supposed to keep the unwanted from penetrating where it should not be. In attempts to never be burned again, my armor got layered on pretty thick.

So what have I learned from the Dingoman? I guess there is a list, or a few nuts and berries I could pick from. The sweetest berry is how to open up and share with others. We all make mistakes, do things that make us look stupid, and hope nobody is watching when we do them. Sometimes we make big mistakes which may alter the course of our lives. I know that Jim is one who will stand by me and others he cares for even in rough circumstances such as these. I learned that with Jim, even when he pulls a boner, like the coffee incident, I can tell the world and we laugh about it. No one thinks any less of us, in fact, it may endear us to them even more. Oh I know I have just opened up myself to Jim telling about the "oinker" event, but that will have to come from him. Live it up and laugh. It makes life more fun!

No he isn't dead. This is about lesson number two. I have never met anyone who inspires and exhibits loyalty with friends as much as this man. When we are out together, I never know what will come out of his mouth, like the standard "how are you" response is "I would be a lot better if my fucking wife hadn't left me and taken the dog." If he says that to my mother when he meets her, this is what he will look like...she will do the deed not me. He won't of course, but you never really know. But I do know that if you are Dingo's friend, he will always be there for you, will protect you, fight with/for you, inspire you to do better, challenge you, and probably put a snake in your sleeping bag. Oh he really has not told me much about any of his friends, in fact, his friends have revealed more about themselves through comments on web pages, but I know as his friend you will do all of these things for him as well. I may not ever meet any of you, but that kind of bond with him makes each of you someone to respect and know. The lesson... respect and cultivate friendships. Keep them alive no matter how many miles separate you. I can say I have squandered too many opportunities over the years. Today is another day.

Spirits are around us and within us. Some watch over us, some guide us, and some compose who we are. I have never been more aware of this than now. And I have never met anyone more connected to his spirits than Dingo. Spirits have always frightened me. It was scary when I suddenly felt I was in danger or when something made me rise up when I felt I could not go on or when I felt the need to be held. I considered this some sort of weekness rather than a strength. I do not fear those apprehensive feelings anymore. I use them. The messages from our spirits can be very powerful. I repressed a spirit within me for many years that kept others from knowing me for who and what I really am, and closed my heart out from loving and being loved. We may call our spirits within by many names, such as alter-ego, the dark side, the soft side, or heaven forbid we say it out loud, the feminine side...but the whole person isn't alive if we don't try to understand these parts of ourselves as well as the person we put out front for others to see. Don't see it as expressing the exotic or bizarre, rather see it as being unique and powerful.

Dingo, I borrowed this one. This picture represents how I have learned to appreciate what is around me. This picture with your bike in the middle of it says it all. Stop to enjoy the beauty of nature and your surroundings. And it's power to calm and sometimes energize you. It is free entertainment if we choose to take advantage of it. In this picture I see its beauty and its harsh elements, with you in the middle of it. Rough and Raw (and soft and purty). I know now that no matter how hard life gets, no matter what we lose or gain, we always can come back to this. It will always remind me that beauty always surrounds me no matter how rough life is. That nature can take care of us, there is always somewhere to be, and always a new path to explore. Surrounded by nature and its life and liveliness, we are never alone.

I am sure you recognize this one, too. The lesson is be unique. You wrote a blog about it. Only by taking the road less traveled which is true to ourselves can we ever be free. Look at how unencumbered a butterfly or a hummingbird is getting nectar from a honeysuckle. Carefree and just taking care of themselves. Going through their lifecycles the way it was meant to happen, No worries about who is watching or making a judgement. It can't be any more simple than that. I wish I had a picture of you scratching your back on the wall. A grizzly couldn't do it better. And there is no secret life of Dingo. Dingo is Dingo, living life the way it should be...and a way we can all learn...hard, rough, raw, and ready for whatever happens!

The Man, The Dog, and the case of the missing Chirple by keysman on 12th Dec 2009
It was a dark and rainy night. I had just completed a shift at work and was on my way home. There was not much traffic, except at the liquor stores and the fast food joints. I anticipated greatly walking in the door, being accosted by the dog, aka Thor, smelling the aroma of the dinner that usually is on the stove, and the usual verbal assault by the Man, aka Dingo, who always proceeds to tell me about the day’s events at home as I wrestle the Dog and attempt to plant the ‘happy to be home’ kiss on the Man’s lips.

I knew as soon as I unlocked the door to step inside that something was amiss. The events began to unfold as usual with one big exception. No chirple was in the Dog’s mouth, no squeaks were making it difficult to hear the Man’s dissertation of the going’s on, and the mystery was about to evolve. But first, I had to do my duties, plant the kiss on the Man, pretend to listen, and walk the Dog. Actually I do listen, I just do not always hear.

After walking the Dog, I go upstairs to change the suit to something more comfortable, while the Man get’s the dinner ready for me. I find that comforting, although not necessary, as I am perfectly capable of doing this myself. As soon as I get to the bedroom, I knew something was up. The air was scented lightly with the smell of strawberries and coconuts. The Man had taken a shower as the towel was on the floor outside the bathroom door. This was a subtle hint, because usually the house would have an all too lingering waft of Old Spice, the Man’s favorite. I sometimes think he is trying to Old Spice me to death.

Back downstairs, I enter the kitchen and out of the Man’s chatter I hear, "I was on the phone, and I left the doors to the back open so the Dog did not bother me, when I saw Thor bringing a red ball in from the porch. He probably took other toys out with him, the Man exclaims" (in this house, the Man has proclaimed toys outside a mortal sin, which in terms of mortal sins is second only to not leaving the doors open for the Dog to go in and out, which was obviously broken by the Man who made this the first mortal sin).

As I sit down to eat, I missed the usual high pitched chirping of the dog chewing on the chirple and trying to get me to take it from him and throw it. The dog knows that I am not going to play with him until after I have eaten, but he never stops trying. He brings out instead on older red chicken with a dull squeak. I told the Dog to go get chirple, and usually he comes back with the purple chicken. Instead he does not even go look. The Man and I now both realize the Chirple is missing and is probably somewhere outside in the small backyard. While I am eating, the Man says I should go outside and look for it, so some cat or possum does not steal it (an assertion I ignored since what possum or cat in its right mind would steal a plastic chicken). So the Man actually goes downstairs in the back yard looking for the chirple but does not find it. He insists I go look, but I said it could wait for the light of day.

After eating, and catching a few glimpses of Keith Olberman or Rachel Maddow, which is customary evening fare, the Man announces he is going to bed, followed by the high-pitched ‘run Thor, run’ to make certain the Dog and he gets into bed before I do. It’s a ritual that would be funny if I did not have to fight for a spot in the bed when I do not get there first. I usually have to resort to tricks to avoid this scenario, like pulling a quiet disappearing act that the Man resents, and tries to recover by telling me that I left the TV on or did not lock the doors. But tonight I have to squeeze my way in between the Man and the Dog, which has his hind legs thrown up in the air (the Dog, not the Man, damn it!), to receive his customary “inner thigh” scrub.

As I settle in and begin to grow sleepy listening to the Man’s unusually long telling of the day’s events, the Man gets up and goes to the bathroom. When he comes back, I ask him to switch off the lights. The Man says ‘No, I want you to touch my Farah hair.’ That’s right – this is no typo – he actually said Farah hair, and procedes to encircle his Farah hair around his head on the pillow. I mean, a Pantene commercial on steroids was evolving. Where is the camera when you need it. Meanwhile, I was laughing my ass off, and the Man lifts his head and snaps it around like Linda Blair in the exorcist, so that the Farah hair drifts across the face and lips, all sensual and shit. I had to reach up and feel that Farah hair. Ooh, the hair was silky smooth and glistening a grayish auburn brown in the soft bedroom light. The Man with the Farah hair, aka Dingo, was beginning to realize what he had done, that is given me fodder for an image damaging blog. I was too busy laughing to relish the truly sexy moment he had created.

The next morning, I went out back and found the chirple under the stairs beneath a bicycle and some wood. The Dog was appreciative. The Man with the Farah hair tried to blackmail me into not writing this blog, and has done this several times since. He even brought home an early Christmas present (from a man who does not do Christmas presents unless they are for children or dogs) a Blu-ray Dvd player and a collection of Star Trek TNG movies in Blu-ray (my favorites not his) and said he would let me watch them if I did not write this blog. Good try, Man with the Farah hair.

By the way, you do have beautiful hair Dingo. Long and luscious Farah hair. Swing it for me, baby!

Let's Take a Walk...   April 30, 2008 by Keysman
Can I please forget yesterday and start a new walk? Oh, it was not all that bad. Things were out of kilter for me yesterday. Not unusual for a gemini. But, by studying the Tao, "by studying each day, something is gained." It was my day off, and I had expectations. I had desire. The Tao says, "lessen selfishness and decrease desire." I forgot that for a while yesterday.

The night before, when Dingo and I got back together from his spending time in Dawsonville, I had missed him so much, I, well we, got caught up in "togetherness" and did a little "love and tenderness" and maybe from someone elses point of view "not so tender". Anyway, yesterday, being my day off, which is always a play day for us, did not hold true to form. There is nothing wrong with that. I just did not expect the pattern to break. I guess from the perspective painted in our blogs by the other one, my "thirty years of being a bottom" (not), would not have kept me from going there two days in a row.

So we sat around pretty quiet, I guess, for awhile. Jim worked on the site some, not much, but some and I just kind of waited. We watched movies. And Jim and Little One and I went for a walk. A pretty good day. But I was out of kilter. We finally talked about it. He had less energy and I fed him pasta...not good for him but he likes it. I am still learning diet stuff. But he needs to learn smaller portions too.

He wanted to know what was bothering me. I listen to him talk about his life, and he talks A LOT, and sometimes I feel left out. That is my issue. He quickly pointed out that he knows very little about mine, because I do share LITTLE. So I pulled out photo albums and shared some of my past with him, since he could not go through a web site of adventures like I could do to find out about him. But all of that is the past, except some of it continues into his now. And I had to admit to Jim that I fear that the excitement of his past will somehow pull him back. He set me straight on that one. I felt pounded, and guilty.

He sent me ten reminders of his love for me. I may include it later, but I must get ready for work. I responded with some poetry back. We feed off of each others energies. And the reverse is also true. When one of us is down, so is the other. That I have to work on, being one who has mood swings.

Dingo's Poem:
One I love you
Two I am thinking of you
Three I wanna climb into your tree
Four open up that door
Five let me fly into your hive
Six I wanna shake your stick
Seven I want to stay in your heaven
Eight you are my buffet plate
Nine you are mine
Ten I am your man.

...and I responded:

I want your love and to give you mine

your thoughts inspire me all the time

my branches are sturdy to support your climb

the door is open but not always wide

the hive is buzzing but in you will fly

when the stick is shaken it makes me high

Is there a heaven or just a life to share

where the cupboard is meager but never bare

Have no fear that I am yours

And you are mine and I want no more.

Pretty sappy, I know. From me, this is not so unusual. And with me, it is not so unusual for Jim. He has a way of knowing when something is out of kilter, and always does or says something to pull me back into focus. Yesterdays discussion also included a session on dreamweaver vs. dreamcatcher and how that applies to us. I thought I was listening to Shirley McLaine, but it really makes sense. Jim, although he appears simple at times, is one intelligent man with an ever evolving mind and spirit. I appreciate his openness with me and his sharing his experiences.

 From Jim and Keith’s blog archives 2008 - 2009

View Photos of Keith and our child Thor here

Are Your Sending Mixed Signals?

As an afterthought from a blog I recently read I was motivated to write on how people may or may not perceive what they read sometimes, including sending or receiving mixed signals. The quoted comments are from another blog. Hopefully I am able to kickstart new thoughts to those who may find themselves in a situation of sending or receiving mixed signals. Too many mixed signals sometimes alienates and isolates people from each other. We all get mixed signals at times, sending them out ourselves without even thinking about it. 

Everyone thinks and perceives things differently and we should always keep that in mind. And sometimes we get the responses we want to hear and occasionally we get the ones we don't want to hear or read. We get that anywhere, not just on the Internet.

“I looked at the few poz guys here that I really want to know intimately in the Biblical sense and yet they don't have a clue no matter what has been said in the past they just have not caught on, or out of politeness have not said anything to cause mixed emotional signals out of respect” (Quoted from Andy's recent blog)

This blog comment could be perceived as being judgmental about others or saying others don't have their act together and are clueless. It's possible they may not say anything to you because of prior experiences with others they have reached out to, or maybe they are not reading your posts. "Politeness and respect" of not saying anything isn't always a healthy attitude to have either. Silence has hurt people, more often than not.

Those who are seriously looking for long term relationships are not going to want to live or get involved with anyone for the long haul who comes across as just wanting to fuck. Being intimate in the "Biblical sense," this phrase is usually attached to "know." In the King James Bible, "to know" meant "to have sexual intercourse with." "And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord" (Genesis 4:1). So to know in the biblical sense is to be sexually intimate.

In the 90s I went to a Waterloo gay men peer support group in Austin, a mixed group of HIV poz and neg men. The focus of the group was on how to develop and interact into meaningful intimate relationships. One of the elements of group counseling is to do some self examination openly to others within the group, which elicited responses from others. Easier said than done at first.

One hiv poz man within our support group constantly talked about his frustrations of not being able to connect with anyone except for sex. He often spoke quite well contributing comments that helped others but he always shifted his speaking time to what he wanted to do with other men in bed. Initially others gave him positive feedback. After several weeks of hearing the same thing from him in group sessions a couple of men said that they were tired of hearing what he wanted to do with other men in bed and pointed out that it seemed all he was interested in talking about his bad times and his sexual conquests and fantasies. Another member of the group told him to piss or get off the pot. He got up and left the room.

The following week the guy passed on his speak time. Week after that he spoke about what had happened to him in the group, letting everyone know that he no longer felt like the support group was giving him the support he needed. He verbally lashed out at one guy then quickly lashed another. Before anyone could respond the guy got up and left the room making it clear he would no longer would be part of the ongoing support group. After the group session ended we saw him standing by his car in the far side of the parking lot smoking a cigarette, expressing a sad look on his face and not one of anger.

About a month later he came back to the group and over a period of time was able to affect positive change for himself and positive interactions between himself and others in the group. This all came about because he started sharing more about the other things he enjoyed doing and what he was doing. Things like working on his car, talking about music and movies he liked and how these things made a difference in his Life.

He talked about why he did volunteer work at the food bank. How good it made him feel to help others. Gradually he shared with us that he did it only because he was lonely and hoped to find a hiv poz boy friend there. He openly made it known that he was available for a long term relationship while working at the food bank, picked a few guys up and still didn't have any success beyond a few sleepovers. During group one day while venting his frustrations about not being able to maintain a long term relationship with any of the guys he had slept with and said most of the guys he had slept with stopped going to the food bank on "his day" or going to another person's line. I pointed out how some of his personal baggage and the way he often conducted himself was sending out mixed signals. The guy didn't like my brutal honesty and stopped coming to the peer support group soon after, choosing to go into private counseling sessions.

Then I saw him a few years later while I was attending a political rally. He was with a guy whom he introduced as his partner and he invited me to go to Seattle's Best for coffee after the rally. He and his partner were celebrating the beginning of their third year together. While having our coffee he shared with me that he use to think of me as being an asshole at 'group' because I was too honest. He did not like hearing what I said to him in group but later realized there was some truth in what I had said to him. The real kicker came when he told me he had met his partner at the food bank. They started dating while he was still in private therapy. They waited several weeks before jumping into bed together and after they did, they decided that they would limit their sexual play to once a month and focus more on getting to know each other. They are still together. Had he continued to send mixed signals and not kick away old habits this guy, like so many other older HIV poz gay men, probably would still be alone today.

As a community moderator and actively participating in several online networks, I read many blogs and forum posts. I see the mixed signals some people put out, het and gay, male and female. A few will go on and on about sex and sexual fantasies and desires. Sometimes I see some really good thoughts that are in these same posts. The good stuff reveals more about the person making the posts but unfortunately for most people reading things those mixed signals causes misunderstandings about the person making the posts.

People who are looking for long term relationships then stop reading that person's posts when they see repetitive sexual content frequently mixed with unrelated non sexual content. They get ignored and many assumptions are made about the person. Those who begin to ignore people miss out on some good wit and wisdom. A no win no win situation.

More often than not people will follow others regardless, reading their blogs forum posts and looking at their photos because they want to see what others are doing and what other enjoy in Life. A few do it because they learn something from others experiences or it helps them in other ways.

Within the poz gay men online communities there are many guys who soar, fly way above the clouds. The proof is almost always within what is being shared in their blogs, posted comments and their personal photo albums. They share what they are doing and the things they do that make them feel good. They share how they feel. Many poz gay men are lonely but have not given up and keep flying high above, looking and waiting, enjoying their solitude or being content knowing they are loved by others just the same. Some are actively looking for a long term relationship and they know that by sharing others will take notice.

It's worked for me over the year, worked for others as well and that’s how Keith and I met each other. But before I was able to begin meeting people who were genuinely interested in meaningful relationships, I had to make some changes within myself first and then look at the things I was posting on my personal website and in dating networks. I had to step back and ask myself what signals I was sending.

Sending mixed signals is something many of us have done BUT people's perceptions of what they read and hear are different too. The women I use to date and live with often told me that most men tend to concurrently think and act with their dicks. Some shared with me that they always got the mixed signals from what they had read from men’s personals, or how they came across after meeting, including my own mixed signals. If you look closely at het personals and internet posts men are more likely to express sexuality in some of the things they write about. These days most men have gotten better at expressing themselves but men will be men, gay BI or het, sex factors into our nature of being.

I recall when I ran my ads back in the late 90s on the internet. I was trying to attract men who wanted to share a balance of power in a relationship and looking for someone to be a bit more versatile in intimacy. Much of what I wrote is archived on my personal website from that period of time. Lots of expressions about my sexuality and so forth. I allowed myself to become vulnerable to all.

Many of the responses I got came from both ends of the spectrum. There were those who saw my dominating nature and needed that in their lives. On the other end there were those who misread what I wrote and got the impression that I wanted to solely be dominated, to be submissive in all aspects of a relationship.

Sometimes we go down the same bumpy roads thinking we will go around the pot holes only to discover the pot holes have gotten bigger and wider. I realized it was time to find another road to travel down.

Mixed signals and even when I re wrote my personal ads I realized that not everyone would perceive what I was trying to convey about myself, who I was and my desires. That’s just the way it is at times but over the years after much introspection and some help from my friends I was able to get better in expressing myself.

So I focused more on the things I liked about Life and more about my personal experiences, how they affected my Life and how I was able to learn and grow from all that. In doing so I started attracting the men I really wanted to be with and around in Life.

My personal sexual desires and fantasies I wrote about separately, very often placing them on other parts of my personal website.

Traveling and exploring new roads and paths (thoughts and actions) helped bring my goals and dreams to fruitation. It wasn't easy at first since I had already established a “reputation” based upon my mixed signals. Those who originally thought I was about sex and had ignored me “rediscovered” me, got to know me, we dated and now are friends, still in touch with each other. I was able to connect with two guys I met during that period with each other as well. Just when the riding became smoother something else happened, it's called mid life crises, a phase all of us go through at some point in our lives. Another barrier and another blog!

I enjoy helping connect people together. A couple of other people here do it as well. It’s rare these days to see people giving much of anything. So many people in the world today are caught up in the “selfish me” syndrome taking everything they can get, just broadcasting and not listening to each other. As a network owner I often see very few people who ever respond back to anyone being friendly. Very few bother to take a couple of minutes to reply back to anyone's personal comments. There’s no excuse for bad manners particularly when I see some of those same people with their silent indifefrense shouting out how unfriendly others are OR touting their own “good virtues” - that not only sends mixed signals but says something about a person's social behavior traits. I sidetracked a bit off my original thoughts, as I usually do, but we're writing about mixed signals so I included this.

People are unlikely to spend money to travel for a potential LTR if they think all someone is interested in is just sex because of what they have perceived. Or if they feel there is a “shopping list.” Too many mixed signals sends up red flags to others looking.

People cannot just pick up and relocate based upon initial online meetings nor should they be expected to spend money to travel to every potential LTR candidate who says he cannot relocate. Those who constantly talk about NOT being able to relocate have an expectation that others should always be the ones who "go visit first." The expectation often is that “you are on fixed income (SSDI), don’t own property (rent) and are “nomadic enough to travel.” They rarely are willing to travel more than 50 miles away to visit or even meet halfway for those who are willing to put themselves out there and relocate. Some do have valid reasons for not wanting to visit but others won’t.

I know this from personal experience since I often traveled on my motorcycle to meet potentials who could not relocate. I put myself out there in their homes because I wanted to see how they lived and their environments. I also wanted to show them my sincerity in wanting a relationship.

Most were cool guys and very good people at heart. What I usually discovered was most were not ready to have a relationship, had too many expectations, or shopping lists. A few really wanted nothing more than sex. Which is why they weren’t willing to travel themselves because they already knew or had set themselves up for the dismal outcome. That’s just my opinion but one that others have shared with me as well. Shared by a few who have travelled to meet others who cannot relocate.

Once I picked up on those who just wanted sex, I ALWAYS quickly left, my abrupt “I gotta move on and go” always burst their ego. Didn’t matter to me how attractive and hot they were on the surface. What mattered was that they were playing the games. They’re called players. They will always exist, het and gay alike. After unexpectedly leaving these types I always checked into a local roach motel or secured a camping spot in a nearby park. Got sex too but I got it from someone else in the area, visiting the local cruise spot or gay bar. I knew that whoever I got sex with would talk about the biker they met, knowing that talk would go down the grapevine quickly. As I always use to say to everyone, I’ll go looking and see if I can find the man but I will always enjoy the ride and other people I meet along the way.

Going down the same bumpy roads just puts more wear and tear on the body soul and spirit, just as it does on any vehicle, causing more damage and greater expenses. There are other roads available in Life and even existing ones can be fixed.

Failing to make changes within ones’ self or taking control of what one can take control of will always lead to a dead end street, or the road to nowhere.

Everyone has choices and anyone can make their choices. That is one of the many gifts our Creator has given us. How we use that gift is up to us.

As I have always said, the only barriers to our personal freedom and happiness are the ones we create for ourselves. To achieve those goals one needs to make changes - even if it means opening our eyes and listening to others, whether we want to hear it or not.

This blog was originally published August 22, 2009 at


"The only barriers to our personal freedom and happiness are the ones we create for ourselves...." It's always good to revisit this blog. Some good insight from all the contributors. Knowing what you need is the first step to gettting rid of mixed signals. What you want on the other hand can change from day to day or minute to minute. I think it's your wants that can be confusing and send mis-interpreted signals. Once you know the difference between needs and wants you are getting control of your path in life, if not, you will be a slave to your passions which will keep you sending out mixed signals to everyone around you.

Good blog. I give mixed signals re relationships because I don't know what's possible, anymore: other people that I know today have to be considered. Language and meaning is often inexact.

'Everyone has choices, and anyone can make their choices....' Well said Dingo! When one becomes stagnant, or runs in place, communicates the same message over and over (regardless of how mixed it may be) and then wonders why no one follows is making a choice not to make a choice. It is scary to make the choice to look within to find out why others choose not to make a move to follow. I would challenge anyone stuck in circumstances they would like to change to start small, pick one small thing they can change now, and do it! It may make a difference, no matter how small. The first step is always the most difficult. Borrowed from a Michael Jackson song (yes MJ)... I am starting with the Man in the Mirror... I am asking him to change his ways... The message couldn't be any clearer... If you want to make YOUR (rephrased) world a better place Take a look at YOURSELF and make a change!

Here is the blog posted on August 21, 2009 by Andy aka azmountainman:
"changes within me today is a day of changes for me, i have decided to stop hoping for things that are likely not to happen and focus on a possibility of something less than what i had hoped for simply because of the need for human companionship and to be sharing time with a man i have had a thing for 2 men in this group for over a year but would never say anything simply because they are out of range and my area, and i can not finacially compete to a stiuation that, would even assist in relocation for them or equal what they are use to. it has been 6 weeks today since my last series of heart operations and i have had time to ponder on things awhile, i totally believe in communail living and loving yet that also seems to be something that is,or belongs in the history books,same thing as a triad partnership. being from the old school and old way of thought i just am not into the way things are these days, i do not want to allow the walls of paina nd hurt so many drag around as baggage from this one or that one and what they did wrong to this one. life is a lesson and alearning expereince and we should all embrace it all in a postivie energy not the negative bullshiot that so amny allow to fog their sub-concious way of being. i might be one of the last of my kind but this is ok because i have lived life instead of hiding from it, the lesson i have larned from the people i have been blessed with the wisdom of the old souls that have come into my life while on the open road. that just is not really out there any more, people just have tuned out to life and are so set into their electronic fantasy life they have passed mup on the reality of human contact and intmacy wth a brother the changes i have seen in t he 45 years since i had my first dick ,have been awesome until 12 years ago when high tech began to take over and reprogram our way of thinking. i look at the powers that be and ask why,why have so many shut off to the beauty all around us all, when did we forget to touch another soul instead of pressing a keyboard i have met a man nmaed kurt he is let say an old soul and a bit a a recluse,and is not into the the outside world, he is into green meaning solar wind redoing things building from nothing to something, he is not like anyone i have ever known heis closed about things liek sex and is open about things like energy and independent thought and being of the mainstreamand out of the grid . i like him alot, i don't see us living together but i do see a sexual intamcy that can be,and that is cool, i looked at the few guys here that i really want to know intimatedly in the biblical sense and yet they don't have a clue no matter what has been said int he past they just have not caught on, or out of politeness have not said anything to casue mixed emotional signals out of respect i really wish i could of created my dream of a commune but i can not do it alone and that dream has to be laid to rest so many can not seperate that possevieness and jealousy or see within someone for the good they are they only see that exterior. i am a redneck and a hick and i got health issues like many of us so i is time to readjust to a different thought pattern which is really sad caus e it is taking way part of me and puttting him on a shelf ina closet to be shut away for ever. and so many guys here have such fantastic potential to soar higher than the clouds and for them not to see that is such a waste of life , i have faught this my entire life to be free of the mainstream and chase the colors of the rainbows, to touch the stars to get lost among the magical things like the meteior showers the feel of the wind the sound of thunder and lightening, the feel of the rain against my naked body,or riding down a highway in the early hours of the morning naked feelinig the vibrations of the bike betwen my legs being free being hard loving all life is and can be and has to offer not setteling for less than the magic that like minded men shared. i long to just hit up with abud that sees within my soul and just takes me down to the dirt and dry fucks me like a man and then gives it up to me when done,sharng the rawness the animalstic yearning within and is part of the pac forever after that,where has that all gone, how do recreate the magic we all have within us to set it free. we are tribal all of us we have that deep desire to share a tribal unity yet i can not find it anymore, so many have buried it so deep with in it may never resurface oh well enough of this for now i will investegate this man kurt and see i don't want to allow the changes i see coming within me to just settle for what so many have settled for but the ride is lonely now and i wonder if teh pac will ever find me again later guys lot of love your brother andy"

My 2 bits. Recurring mixed signals in many of your posts. Emphasis always on fucking. Comes across as the only thing you really want. You been isolated too long. Maybe cabin fever. Consider taking a couple days go away somewhere for R and R. Have fun doing it. Clear your thoughts Andy. (scooter)

Andy, I love to read your posts and am pulling for you to find what you want. But I do see the mixed signals even within this post. In one beautifully expressed paragraph...'I have fought to be free of the mainstream...' above it seems as if you have found it in the solace of where you live. And the next paragraph is about sharing with a partner a raw human experience...but this emphasizes the sexual part of that sharing. I think I know what you mean, but do I? Other parts of this also emphasize the sex...Getting to know a couple of guys on here 'in the Biblical sense' is a soulful way to say 'SCREW'. I do understand your frustration with the ease in which the internet makes sexual hookups so easy that they are unwilling to take the extra time and effort to explore a man such as yourself. You cannot waste your time with them. But the internet is actually your best tool to overcome your distance issues and find out what someone is really like. Communicate with others what you really want. In reading this post, I do not know if you want a lover, a friend with benefits, several friends with benefits, or just raw sex. It really includes mixed signals. I tried sex sites hoping to find someone who wanted more than sex, deluding myself into thinking that I wanted a relationship but would take sex until it happened. And I kept taking the sex until I woke up and smelled something other than jizz on my belly. I realized that I was standing in my own way of finding a relationship. I stopped looking for it and began to enjoy the things I had...a roof over my head, a fantastic dog, and the endless beauty of nature around me. And then, over the internet, purely by accident, I found Dingo and added what I had been missing and looking for. Take care.

Sending mixed signals is something many of us have done BUT people's perceptions of what they read and hear are different too. The women I use to date and live with often told me that most men tend to concurrently think and act with their dicks. In fact many women will say this about the men they meet. If you look at het personals and internet posts men are more likely to express sexuality in some of the things they write about. Men are men whether they be gay BI or het. I recall when I ran my ads back in the late 90s on the internet. I was trying to attract men who wanted to share a balance of power in a relationship and looking for someone to be a bit more versatile in intimacy. Much of what I wrote is archived on my personal website from that period of time. Lots of expressions about my sexuality and so forth. I allowed myself to become vunerable to all. Many of the responses I got came from both ends of the spectrum. There were those who saw my dominating nature and needed that in their lives. On the other end there were those who misread what I wrote and got the impression that I wanted to solely be dominated, to be submissive in all aspects of a relationship. Sometimes we go down the same bump roads thinking we will go around the pot holes only to discover the pot holes have gotten bigger and wider. I realized it was time to find another road to travel down. In short I was sending mixed signals in my personal writings so I focused more on the things I liked about Life and more about my personal experiences, how they affected my Life and how I was able to learn and grow from all that. My personal sexual desires, fantasies and all that I wrote about separetely. In doing so I started attracting the men I really wanted to be with and around in Life. So I realized travelling and exploring new roads and paths helped bring my goals and dreams to fruitation. It wasn't easy at first travelling newer paths but became easier over time. Just when the riding became smoother something else happened, it's called mid life crises, a phase all of us go through at some point in our lives. Another barrier! As I have always said though, the only barriers to our personal freedom and happiness are the ones we create for ourselves. When these barriers come up before us, we just have to work on removing them if we want to move forward.

Poz Gay Men Gone Wild

Two HIV poz gay men, an HIV neg homeless guy, a 16.2 hand stallion named Jake, two cats and a dog living in the high desert on 21 acres of raw land in the middle of nowhere, one way in one way out, no electric or running water, closest full service grocery store limited medical services over 90 minutes away and driving 1000 miles round trip every 3 months or so to see my HIV doctor – how crazy does that sound? My former partner and I did exactly that for almost 15 months in 2004 – 2005 along with a homeless man I had met on one of my previous runs.

For myself and the homeless guy it was a wonderful experience. Lots of spectacular sunrises and sunsets, the vistas and colors of mountains and skies were ever changing never revealing the same patterns and hues. Occasionally at night I could see a car or truck coming down TX118 from the north many miles away, headlights appearing and disappearing. Most people in that region don’t travel at night because of the hazards on the road - javelinas, antelope, mule deer, big horn sheep, mules, coyotes, bats, buzzards, deer and snakes can appear quickly on the roads at night and can do serious damage to vehicles.

Kicking back in the evenings looking up into the night sky I could clearly see the Milky Way, blanketed by millions of stars, many nights the moon lights up the hard pan adobe roads and a flashlight was not needed (although I had to be careful where I stepped as there were some rather nasty Mohave rattlers out in that area, a very aggressive snake that will chase people. The Mojave rattler’s is a powerful neuro toxin that quickly causes paralysis of the respiratory system, most people say if you're bitten by one you ain't gonna live. And the silence was deafening but at night one can hear the yipping of coyotes coming from a great distance. Living there gave me an opportunity to explore hundreds of miles of riding roads throughout the entire region many of them dirt roads.

I owned two parcels of property totally 35 acres that were within five miles of each other. The first property was one I had bought on one of runs prior runs in that area. After buying the property I purchased an old RV in Dallas and had Kenny drive it down as I led the way on my motorcyle. 

Kenny and I camped out briefly in the RV and a tent in front of the Bluff while I went looking for a 2nd property to buy. I didn't like that one because it was too far from the main road and after a two day rain that soaked the ground I realized it wasn't a good idea to be stuck out there. When it rains you cannot walk or drive on those dirt roads because they turn into clay, vehicles easily sink about a foot into the ground, I leanred that quickly when my mototrcycle tires sunck into the ground when attempting to drive it. By the time Clay came down from Atlanta the road had dried enough to navigate.

While camping out on the other property Clay and I looked at a 21 acre property further north and closer to the road that I had found while camping down here before. Since that property had a small camper, a telephone land line running into it and a really cool vintage fire truck that was still functional, we made a decision to purchase it from an old couple who lived in Roswell and were selling it because the guy's wife didn't want to live in remote desert. So Clay went back to Atlanta, I went with him, Kenny drove the RV to Atlanta for us and chose to go back to Texas so he could go work on a temporary job until we moved back to the desert where he eventually re-joined us. Over the next few months Clay put his home on the market, sold it, bought solar panels and moved him to the new digs where we secured storage units for his furniture until Clay could get up to Odessa and buy a mobile home.

Yep even though there were no electric grid lines, no gas line and no water/sewage lines there are telephone lines buried throughout that region. The phone company out of Alpine is subsided by federal grants that allow people who live in the remotest areas to get land line telephone service for less than twenty five dollars a month and they don’t charge any money to lay the underground cable which is done anywhere there is a dirt road that has been cut out. By comparison the electric company in that region charges around 25G per half mile of electrical line above ground.

We had solar panels and batteries to provide us with enough electric to run a laptop which also gave us dial up Internet service which costs us more money and the stereo music player. You have to go buy your own water and truck it in. To have enough water for Jake we purchased a flatbed trailer and a 500 gallon water storage tank, the closest place to get well water was 12 miles away further back on dirt roads. Our drinking and cooking water we got from a purified well source 37 miles further south. We used five gallon containers to store it in.

When Clay purchased a trailer for himself and his cats, he had to hire someone from Alpine to come down to cut out a second road on our property and a large space that it could sit. The trailer came with a propane stove, after it was delivered and setup Clay bought a proper refrigerator/freezer then a propane gas tank from a company in Marathon who delivered propane to the desert dwellers. Every month two of us would drive up to Alpine to buy fresh food. More often than not we would still cook the large cuts of meats in barrel smokers using the stove to cook side dishes.

Kenny and I continued living in the two RVs on the other side of the property facing the center of the mesa, about 250 feet away from Clay’s mobile home.

Our life in the wild came to an end soon after Clay developed some serious problems with his kidney which required him to be helicoptered to a hospital in Odessa (200 miles away) and eventually to Austin for surgery by specialists. The bad experiences Clay had with the doctors, who appeared not being doing surgery on an HIV and Hep C positive person in Odessa, got me thinking about my own mortality so e made a decision to end the rugged life. The relationship between the three of us and our parting with each other is another story yet to be told.

View Photo Gallery Rough Raw n Wild

A Very Long Journey

Back in 2001 while still recovering from my first go round with full blown AIDS, I took a very long slow journey around the country on my motorcycle so I could visit old friends and meet some of the people I had met on the Internet and maybe find my soulmate somewhere along the way. I didn’t have a “game plan” so I aimlessly rode without any preplanned routes and commitments. Some other goals were to down break barriers that were preventing me from obtaining more happiness and personal freedom. Riding for me has always been a good way of clearing my head. The original intent was only to do a few months on the road but after a couple months of riding on the winds of my whims, I just couldn't stop riding and over the course of several years I wound up doing over 137,000 miles on two wheels (on two different motorcycles) travelling all over the country, into Mexico and doing two “back to back” round trip east coast west coast runs between the years of 2001 - 2006. Some of the mileage racked up were “slingshot” miles – every 4 or 5 months I would shoot back to Austin from wherever I was for my doctor office visits – then continue on to a new destination or return back to one of my favorite ports of call in California, Missouri, Arkansas, Tennessee, Georgia, Colorado, Utah and the Big Bend so I could take in many back roads, state and national parks.

So on Labor Day weekend 2001, just days before 9/11 when I finally saddled up the 77 Honda 750Four iron steed with bare essentials; A small tent, sleeping bag, two tarps, camera, fleece vest, tool pouches, camelback canteen, cell phone, Gateway laptop, rain gear, extra leather jacket, chaps, jeans, a few dew rags, socks, boxers, music, the essential meds, my Book of Common Prayer and some audio CDs. With the Walkman buried beneath my 2nd skins, playing my favorite Grateful Dead songs, I headed out of Austin without giving much notice to anyone I knew except for a couple people.

The paths traveled and explored led to many new discoveries. I overcame fear. I became more enlightened in understanding and accepting of others and myself. I went deep into my soul, examining it right down to its core. I saw things most people don't ever see, went where many dare not go. It wasn’t always easy. During my journeys I was also able to overcome addictions, open my heart, expand my mind, break down the barriers and eventually achieve all that I was seeking. I learned that the only barriers we have to our happiness and true personal freedom are those we create within ourselves.

The best part of any journey is the people we meet along the way.... I met a lot of really wonderful people from all walks of Life, and a few bad ones too – learning many Life lessons and new insight because so many people shared much of themselves with me. I’m grateful to have been able to do all of that. I am thankful and indebted to family, friends, buddies, strangers and everyone else who made it possible.

This video is dedicated to them

Photo Gallery The Best Part of Any Journey

Photo Gallery Journey Into the Wild

Photo Gallery Journey Into the Canyons

Photo Gallery Journey Into the Mountains

Positive Threads

During the early 90s, prior to the advent of POZ Magazine, when the Internet was limited to boards, small newsgroups, basic chat BBS, early America Online and during the days of single therapy drugs which were new and toxic because they were being prescribed in high dosages, I was one of the first clients of the newly opened David Powell HIV Clinic, back when they were in their old location on Toyath Street in west Austin.

One of my best friends, Paul, a het biker, who had contracted AIDS from dirty needles shooting up meth, landed in Breckenridge Hospital and that's when he discovered he had AIDS. Then one day a few months later when I went for my regular lab work at the clinic, I came across Paul and his wife sitting in the waiting room - he was there to have his blood work done too.

Afterwards the three of us went out for a late breakfast at Katz. As we sat there waiting for our food, Carol was looking at some glossy pamphlets and a Xerox copy of GMHC Treatment Issues she had picked up in the clinic. Treatment Issues, out of NYC, at the time mainly focused on the OIs, treatment trials, lots of data, news on the research and advocacy frontlines - very comprehensive and well laid out but for the average person looking for some peer support & survival essentials it just wasn't helpful. The glossies, mostly generic nutrition info about the food pyramid and the causes/info of HIV with little drawings of the virus, in short, the glossies were "Welcome to the World of AZT."

Carol shoved the literature into her handbag and to paraphrase her words, "this shit doesn't fucking help much...."

After breakfast we parted and I went back to the clinic to visit my social worker, John Cantu. Earlier I had seen some literature sitting on top of a file stack tray on his desk. John gave me copies he had made of a PWAC Newsline print rag (out of NYC) and a copy of a newsletter called Being Alive (out of LA). I took them home and read them from cover to cover. I cut out the free subscription coupons sent them off subscribing to both of them. Within a few months I subscribed to every HIV newsletter I could find out there, including a very good one out of Canada that dealt with Alternative and Holistic Wellness and a cool newsletter out of Denver called Resolute!

And back in those days, most people living with HIV in Texas picked up any information they could find in the clinics, not wanting to subscribe in the mail to anything out of fear that it might wind up in their neighbor's mailbox. So I started making Xerox copies of some of the more interesting articles from the stuff I was receiving in the mail in 1993 and gave the copies to close friends, including my Paul and Carol wife. The information was making a difference in their lives.

So one day when Carol, Paul and I wound up sitting in the clinic together again, Carol was looking at copies of some stuff I had made and stapled together and commented that it would be nice if we had a newsletter with local info and resources that people could pick up in the clinic.

So I launched Positive Threads in 1994. The first issue was four pages, with a cover article that was a reprint from a Resolute article called "Dealing With the Shame of AIDS." There were reprints from other newsletters crammed in those four pages, using a 9 point Arial font. The articles covered holistic, spirituality, poetry, essays, nutrition, fitness, local resources, general wellness, substance abuse, and topics on dealing with relationships, sex and activism (local and national levels). The banner by lines and mottos were "Dedicated to Empowering People with Information on Surviving HIV AIDS, Information = Understanding = Hope = Survival, and Together We Can Make a Difference."

Carol worked at Ginny's copy and printing, and she ran off 500 copies from a copy machine, using 11 x 17 copy paper. The following month I did an 8 page issue which Carol once again ran off at Ginny's. We paid for those copies and all other issues after that. Paul's health was quickly failing and he passed away by the time I printed my fourth issue of Positive Threads. After his death Carol left her job at Ginny's and moved back to New Mexico. The store manager at Ginny's continued giving us reduced rates though for the next three years.

During the next few months other 8 page monthly issues followed and they quickly were being snatched up. Within a year the local ASOs gave Positive Threads a real boost when they started including it within their own monthly mailings to clients, which ultimately resulted in people wanting to receive it from me directly. The newsletter found its way out of Austin and we started getting mailing requests from PWAs in Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and Corpus Christi.

The Austin American Statesmen did a big write up on what I was doing. All my het biker buddies and riding associates saw my photo in the paper, read the article, and BAM - the dingo's secret was out. A few shunned me of course but most were pissed off at me because I chose to hide my secret from them, telling me that they were still my friends and also expressing their hurt of my mindset of thinking they would no longer be my friends if they knew. They didn't buy into my lame excuses for NOT telling them! Friendship and extended family took on a whole new meaning in my Life. Shortly after the article appeared, I got a good verbal ass kicking from a few of my biker buddies one night at Beverly's. They were pissed because I had not trusted them enough to share my poz status with them and felt somewhat betrayed.

I incorporated Positive Threads as a non profit in the State of Texas and by the end of 1994 obtained a 501(c)(3) status for the newsletter and organization. The costs were initially supported by two viatical companies and a few friends and my adopted family. I quickly learned how to write my own Ryan White Title I funding and received two grants, one in 1996, the other in 1997. The newletter continued to grow and evolve, the printed circulation shot up to 5000 printed units a month, increased to 8 to 12 pages in size, and included two special 40 page "Primer and Planner" special editions with original content and expanded articles on resources, nutrition, wellness, fitness and a glossary of terms including descriptions of then meaning of lab tests.

During it's second and third years of publication friends and I folded stuffed and mailed almost 2200 copies every month, in my home at first then at the Friday Poz dinners held by Max over at St Ignatius Church. The remaining copies were left in several Austin clinics, a few churches, two gay bars, and some coffee houses throughout Austin. To break barriers to the newsletter was always placed next to the Austin Chronicle, gay new rags and other literature on counters and racks so that people could slide a copy into the other periodicals and walk away with it unnoticed.

Jennifer Jensen, pictured above, was writing a column called Nutrition Power for Being Alive and after making a couple phone calls to her and mailing her a copy of the newsletter, she agreed to allow me to publish her articles about nutrition in Positive Threads, many which she customized specifically for Positive Threads. I fondly remember the one big stipulation she made ".. don’t edit my articles, leave the typos and misspellings alone and SHIT HAPPENS, not poop, not “S asterisk asterisk T” – SHIT the way I spell it!”
Jennifer and I often spent a lot of time talking with each other on the telephone, we quickly developed a close friendship. Jennifer also came to Austin twice, two years in a row, to do two special seminars for people with HIV AIDS organized by Positive Threads. I have some wonderful memories of those two visits, particularly the first one. She was a remarkable woman and it was during her visits to Austin when Jennifer shared with me more of her personal Life, her near death experience when she was involved in a near fatal accident prior to her nutrition dietician carrer, which resulted in her having to endure much physical pain and a complete reconstruction of her body. Jennifer did what she did for us out of Love and a necessity to keep keep herself alive as well. I have several fond memories of those visits. On the first visit Jennifer and I went out to Bill Miller's BBQ after her arrival in Austin. She picked at her food slowly, listening to me while I gobbled down my food and talked. I finally realized the funny look on her face as she stared at me and asked her if I had something on my beard. She said no and proceeded to tell me that she was counting my chews and advised me not to woof my food down with doing 15 slow chews "per scoop." It would digest better and reduce my chances of choking if I were going talk and shovel it all in at the same time. I loved Jennifer, her wit and her ways - she was truly a wonderful woman to have known. In 1998, while recovering and healing from my first full blown bout of AIDS related illnesses, my adopted family got a telephone call from her husband Kenny, while I was doing an MRI scan. Jennifer had passed way in a dental chair from shock.

Positive Threads served a very useful purpose during its 3 year course, publishing 36 issues. Within that time frame, POZ magazine was launched out of New York. Many of the other major newsletters around the country were no longer needed since we all NOW had an excellent printed and online resource to keep us up to date, giving us informative easy to read articles and a lot more! The Internet grew, technology changed and information AND support from other resources came to us, easily and privately accessible from our homes. Early in 1998 I dissolved Positive Threads.